Lesson Planning Paradox

03/06/2011 at 10:45 am · Filed under Uncategorized and tagged: before Bali, fear, procrastination

They say that procrastination is bred of fear. This can take many forms for the seasoned procrastinator: fear of the unknown, uncertain and unsure. They say that procrastinators are often overachievers. Procrastination can be born of the fear of our incapacities, inabilities and general fear of doing things as well as we’d like. Cue my trip to Bali.

I leave for Bali in just five short days. I don’t have a confirmed place to live, any knowledge of how to drive a motorbike, questions about my internship placement and a lot of concerns about food, money, shelter and other general human interests. I don’t know many people in Bali. I don’t know much about Bali. I don’t know much about what I’ll be doing as an intern either for that matter, yet my flight leaves from JFK at 1040pm on Wednesday. This Wednesday.

There is a lot to be done before then. I have very few summer clothes, fewer still I believe I can wear on a motorbike. I need to buy more sunscreen. I have a lot of people to say hello to and goodbye to. My room is a disaster. I have canvasses to gesso.

None of this is new. I should be better at it by now.  You see, I just keep coming and going. Last summer it was two months in Bengaluru, India, last Spring it was Dublin, Ireland. You could almost call me a seasoned run away at this point, as I’ve spent much more time outside the US in the past year than in it.

One would expect I would learn to be better at this whole getting ready to go thing, and sure, I did get my Visa in order and my international driving permit the moment I arrived back from Dublin (a mere 2.5 weeks ago) but this whole adventure has got me questioning everything I’ve done till now which has seemingly made this whole adventure possible.

This adventure by the way, is truly incredible. I’ve been given funding by my university to work as an interior designer for a beautiful firm in the heart of Bali. I’ve also been awarded funding to paint while on the island. I plan to live in the culture capital, working by day, painting by night, beaching by weekend. I grew to love hiking while in Dublin, something that the green hills and volcano-peaked island will offer me. Balinese culture is rich with color and ritual and beauty that only can be found in South Asia. I fell in love with this part of the world last summer and I expect I will yet again.

Yet I know little about design. I haven’t been in an intensive painting studio since December. My pale skin burns in the heat of the sun and my hiking boots are far from broken into (see “My First Mount Everest”).

Everyone thinks I’ve got this whole thing down. I’ve done this whole, “go to a far-away place by yourself thing” before- last summer in India I was on a whirld wind experience attempting to teach english and instead following architects throughout the country and befriending nurses in the hospital. India was difficult. I faced opposition and unknowns, questions of self and others, concerns for my health, concerns for my goals, questions of being and those big “why are we here and what are we doing” things. I came back with few answers and even more questions. India was unsettling.

I had a semester at Brandeis to come back and process all of that junk. It proved mainly im-processable. Then I packed up and moved to Dublin. I left most of those questions back home and explored Ireland. I made new friends. I took some classes and then I came home. (It was great)

And here are all those questions again. Still unanswered. Mainly unprocessed. The fear of the unknown, a pit still reeling in my stomach. And I’m off again, ever so predictably, to another place with even more unanswered questions.

Maybe it’s no wonder I feel as though I am ‘procrastinating’ Bali. I’m probably still ‘procrastinating’ India. Maybe this is what it means to be young and stupid. Maybe we just continue to put off our questions and fears until we can’t handle them anymore and then find ourselves seeking someone to help us answer them in a place we feel nourishes our capacity to grow and understand.

But today, I am still making more questions for myself. I mock my insecurities until they forget the power they have to define me. I put off what is to be done today on blamed selfish fears and what I affectionately label my own young stupidity. I will certainly continue to procrastinate many of these Bali issues till I get off that plane 30 hours from home. Quite certainly longer. I took latin in high school-  “Pro” means in front of, forward “Cras” means tomorrow- ‘forward tomorrow’? Doesn’t sound so bad to me, considering I do have five days left to get my act together. Maybe a better translation for this whole experience is “Carpe Diem” .. or better yet, “Merebut Hari” – that’s what I need to learn in Bali.

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